A wise man I used to work with was fond of saying, “It only takes a nickel more to go first class.” Of course, he grew up during the Great Depression, back when the nickel was actually used to buy things, and was not merely an item to be hurled at the Jefferson Memorial when you took a high school FFA trip to Washington D.C. (high-five anyone?). Still, you get the idea. Often if you want high quality, it only costs a little more to get the good stuff.
We all have our “favorites” that we will gladly pay a little extra money for so we can get the “good stuff” instead of the bargain brand. I remember my mom always bought the most expensive peanut butter available. Hy-Vee brand was good enough for some things, but never peanut butter. The need for name brand peanut butter was seared into my subconscious. Then one day I went shopping with one of my sisters and about had a stroke when she tossed a container of generic peanut butter into the cart. What in the name of George Washington Carver was she doing?! Did we really grow up in the same house? As the inferior peanut butter was scanned by the clerk, I was ready for a DNA test. You don’t buy cheap peanut butter! Had mom taught you nothing?
Fortunately, I don’t normally shop with my sister. I can get whatever kind of peanut butter I want. And happily, there are plenty of options out there. But have you ever noticed that there are some things out there that are impossible to find of superior quality? There are three common and inexpensive items that frustrate me. I would gladly pay a “nickel more” and go first class, but better products cannot be found. Let me show you what I mean.
Scissors
Do you ever have trouble finding the “good” pair of scissors in your house? Of course you do, because there’s no such thing as a good pair of scissors. The pair that worked well a week ago suddenly can’t trim a single piece of newsprint without mangling the edges and bending the sides. More often than not, you could have had a cleaner cut by doing your best Mike Tyson impersonation and gnawed through the paper.
Unless you use scissors with your job (i.e. barber, quilter, professional coupon clipper) at what time in your life do you use scissors the most? That’s right, grade school. And where do they give you the dullest, crappiest scissors? That’s right, grade school. Those things could barely get through tissue paper. And I was left-handed so they gave me the “special” left-handed scissors. They were special all right. They were extra dull and had a protective green rubber coating on the handles. I guess left-handed children couldn’t be trusted with something that could get through construction paper with less than five attempts. And you wonder why I paid other kids to do my art projects.
Nail Clippers
As my primary care giver, Ann does everything for me. There’s no need to go into it in great detail right now, but it can get pretty nasty. She is absolutely amazing and does the vast majority of it with a smile on her face. But not trimming my nails. She hates nails. Of all the things that she sees in the operating room, it is surgeries that involve nails that give her the heebie jeebies. So she hates trimming my nails. The task is always complicated by the fact that we can never hunt down a clipper that is strong enough to provide a smooth cut. Even when we get new ones, they don’t do the job.
When I was growing up, I remember having a similar problem. But if I ever got really desperate, I knew that I had one last option. In the top drawer of his office desk, my dad had a toe nail clipper. It was big and awkward and obviously not intended for juvenile finger nails. But it was sharp and it got the job done. The only stipulation was that it had to be immediately returned to dad’s drawer. Heaven help you if it went missing. You didn’t lose dad’s clippers. He held onto them like a family heirloom. I imagine had he owned a personal pair of similarly-able scissors , a comparable rule would have applied.
But Nick, you say, scissors and clippers are blades. They are going to get dull.
Rubbish. They should last longer than they do. Once in a while you will find one that stands the test of time. For instance, I bet my dad’s clipper is still in his drawer. All clippers should be able to last that long. If you’re not convinced, maybe you will agree with my third item. It has nothing to do with blades.
Staplers
When I was working in Denver at the print shop, I would often need to staple projects together. Sometimes I thought it would be easier to get those 20-page documents together telepathically than with the blasted stapler. After hearing enough of my grumbling, Mike sent me to Office Depot with a charge card and instructions to buy two of the most expensive staplers. I spent half an hour analyzing my choices. I was a little disappointed that many of them looked suspiciously like the rejects back at the office. The two I ultimately chose did little better. And I wasn’t the only one who couldn’t get the tiny metal shards to hold the packets together. Mike got his first four to go in beautifully. The fifth one splayed out like roadkill at the Indianapolis 500. Welcome to my world.
That’s what really irritates me about staplers. They will work smoothly and then for no discernible reason whatsoever, the little buggers will refuse to go in. You can apply the exact same amount of pressure in the same exact spot on the stapler and it doesn’t matter. The staples refuse to comply. And IT MAKES ME ANGRY!
Why won’t you do your flippin job?!
I am getting a little worked up. But seriously, I would love to get any information about finding any superior scissors, clippers, or staplers. There might be a nickel in it for you.